pre-rome and paris

On Thursday in my British Life and Culture class we had a homeless lady come and speak with us. She has been homeless for sixteen years and it was heartbreaking. Homelessness is much more prevalent in London than at home (it’s also a giant city and has free health care) so it’s really very common to see several homeless people on the street in a day. It definitely put my own life into perspective a bit more.

Today I spent five hours in the British Museum. I saw the Portland Vase, bogman, Sutton Hoo findings, the Neriad Temple, the artifacts from the Parthenon, Cleopatra’s mummy, the Rosetta stone, and so many other amazing things. It was phenomenal. I think we managed to see about half of it and it was really phenomenal. Everyone must go.

I leave for Rome and Paris tomorrow and I’m half excited half nervous. I think it will be awesome but we’re only going to be in each for about 2.5 days which really doesn’t feel sufficient.  We are going to see the Vatican and the Colosseum for sure though so I’m excited.  I’ll take four million photos and upload as many as I can before I come home for Christmas…although it might take me that long.

But right now, I’m just eating Pralines and Cream ice cream with real CREAM an it’s amazing. I’m going to weigh 2 stone more when I come home, but god it’s good.

Anyway, I’ll be gone but feel free to send me emails and messages because it’s pretty nice to come home to messages. If I get access to a computer while I’m gone I’ll try to post a brief message telling everyone I’m still alive.

comfort

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”

C. S. Lewis

When I left for college my parents went through intense separation anxiety. I’m an only child and we have always been close and they could not seem to handle the thought of me being several hours away in a completely new environment. Now that I’m going to London, to a place they’ve never been that is considerably more difficult to get to, they are going through an even more intense form of this anxiety. But now, so am I. It’s strange but I’m not concerned about missing my parents-I can always email or message them. I’m experiencing the anxiety of missing the familiarity of my surroundings and the things that I can’t stay connected with.

For example, my roommate’s dog Linus. I’m really going to miss having him around. Or Chic-Fil-A, Firebowl, Pei Wei, Wal-Marts, Burt’s Bees (which I am definitely taking a carton of), Target, text messaging, diet coke, sex cookies, movie theaters, open spaces, cows, iced tea, Southern accents, etc. I know that I won’t be completely devoid of these things in London (I can always make iced tea or buy a diet coke), but it will be too expensive to enjoy some of these things and it won’t have the same familiar comforting nature as when I enjoy them here. Not only am I beginning to experience these pangs of anxiety, I’m also concerned about what I’m going to miss when I return. What will I be unable to have in the US that will be my comfort in London? Will I even need it when I return here? What if my American comforts are unable to still please me when I return?

It’s funny, the way it feels to lose your comfort, to see it slipping away, to know that the only way to truly experience something new and great is to also experience something scary and unpleasant. By holding on tightly to my comforts I’d be cheating myself out of the full pleasure and joy of this experience, and maybe that’s the only way to truly be comfortable.

anxiety

“There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.”

Ovid

While I am thoroughly excited about the impending trip, I am also considerably anxious. I get into these frenzies where I become super stressed about all of the things I still need to buy, how I’m going to afford everything, how I’m going to like it when I’m there, etc. I only have 39 more days until I leave and I keep dreaming about the flight over there. I can’t really dream about being there because I have no idea what it will be like, but I keep dreaming about being on the plane and realizing everything I’ve forgotten, how unprepared I am, and how far away I am from home. I tend to stress over a lot of things and as this becomes closer I am becoming more anxious and less excited.

impending

There is nothing like dream to create the future. Utopia to-day, flesh and blood tomorrow.

 

Victor Hugo (1802 – 1885)

Only 55 days, 22 hours, and 45 minutes left until I leave.

 

responsibility

“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.”

George Bernard Shaw

As a libertarian, I’m a big fan of responsibility. Liberty can only work in conjunction with personal responsibility. But, as a quasi-adult I’m not quite as enamored of it. I’m 19. There’s that cliched idea of not being a child but not quite being a woman either, but that really seems to be the case. I still want the absolute freedom of childhood but the privileges of adulthood.

In London I’m going to be a Residential Adviser (RA) which means I’m going to have to be responsible for myself but also for 20 other quasi-adults. I did the adult thing and took a job to make money, but I’m getting to the point where I want to squeeze every last joy out of my adolescence before it evaporates. I realized the other day that I am more than half-way through my undergraduate education and I am just not ready to think that this chapter of my life is already nearing an end. It’s strange because it almost feels like this is my entire life. High school feels a million miles away and it is almost as though my real existence began on August 18, 2005. I don’t want to restart that in a few more years.

preparation

“There is no such thing as luck. There is only adequate or inadequate preparation to cope with a statistical universe.”

Robert Heinlein

I’m a preparer. Always have been. Now with studying abroad only two months away, preparation has become all the more important to me. I’ve started trying to learn French since I hope to visit Paris several times, I’ve already purchased a few guide books so I can begin planning my day trips and daily activities. I’ve already begun looking at certain things I’m going to have to buy for the trip.
But these things are rather superficial. Important, but really ancillary to the experience of studying abroad I’m looking for.

So, in addition to these physical and practical preparations, I’ve been trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for London. I’m not entirely sure what this entails. I journal, I try to imagine some of the issues I’m going to have to deal with, I try to think about what I should do.

But, I worry that these things merely lead to more pragmatic issues. Do I really want to be THAT prepared mentally and emotionally for everything? One of the biggest downsides about going to London is that I won’t have the complete fish out of water experience like I would if I were in a foreign language country. Were I suddenly stuck in China or Chile, I’d be dealing with an entirely different set of difficulties that would challenge me in truly different ways. I shy away from imagining too much of what I can expect because I do want to have some of that feeling of being completely out of my element.

I’m not sure how intelligent it is to prevent some preparation on my part, but I don’t want to cheapen my experience by having a mental road map for every occurrence. So, while I’ll be sure to have my power converters, guidebooks and coat, I’ll stay away from thinking about doing x in the case of y or z in the case of x but only if w happens first, as I tend to do.

the beginning

“The journey is difficult, immerse. We will travel as far as we can, but we cannot in one lifetime see all that we would like to see or to learn all that we hunger to know.” Loren Eiseley

Here’s a bit about me.

I’m a 19 year old former Christian conservative Republican and current agnostic libertarian. I am preparing to leave the United States for the first time ever to study in London for a semester. I leave in August and want to have a record of my experiences, preparations, thoughts, etc. Since I’ve never been outside the United States I’m excited to see what I’ll experience, but nervous about everything that I’m going to have to encounter. I know that no matter how much traveling and reflecting I do, it will not be enough. This is just an exercise in finding more and satisfying that desire more.

But, this is just a beginning.